It seems endless how much of a piece of shit I can be at times.
Just as i remembered myself being a piece of shit, I was being a piece of shit again.
It's funny how I do things without thinking and regret it later.
I'd like to think of myself as someone of worth, but my own actions are proving me wrong.
I am proving myself wrong.
I am focusing on the wrong things,
doing the wrong things,
but yet this is all I can do - say it.
I know but I do not do.
I blame myself for the shit I have been,
but I do not change.
I wallow in self-blame but I do not rise back up.
Sometimes I really hate myself.
Sometimes I really think I'm a big piece of shit.
Sometimes even when I'm a piece of shit I still hope for people to tell me I'm not like that, I must have had my reasons.
Having reasons isn't good enough.
Having good reasons isn't good enough.
Having the best and most valid of reasons isn't good enough.
When the deed is done, it is done.
When the mess is created, there's no just cleaning up.
When the consequences strike, there's nowhere to run.
When you realise you have let down the people you care about, the remorse and guilt tears you up.
When the simplest of things can't even be done right, you blame yourself.
What have I done?
Why did I do that?
Why didn't I do that?
How could I have forgotten?
Why was I such a fool?
I'm living in a first world, but yet the problems I face seem so mountainous.
I know people are worse off but I am not contented with myself - How could I be?
I know I'm a piece of shit, but that's all I have been saying.
I know I have to change, but that will not undo what is done.
I imagine I see someone like myself, I will not hesitate to violently put him down.
That's how much of a piece of shit I am.
I try to be a great person but I do it the wrong way.
It's not an incident,
it's not a few incidents,
it's not many incidents.
My whole life, now that I think back, was being a douche.
I had what I did not deserve and I threw it away.
I want what I do not deserve and I'm letting it slip.
If the number of times of saying I'm an idiot quantifies how much of an idiot I am, I won't be done saying it even by the time the Sun explodes.
Why?
I try.
Sometimes I fail.
Sometimes I'm just crazy.
Maybe I expect too much from myself?
That I cannot accept one failure?
But no. Look at all that you've done.
Look at all that you've not done.
Look at how you are compared to others.
Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I have received an honest, sincere compliment.
Something good about myself.
Maybe that's why I feel so bad about myself?
I'm not supposed to feel bad about myself.
I live for myself.
So why am I so affected?
Because I'm weak?
Mentally weak?
Is it the environment?
Or is it really just me?
There's so many things running through my mind.
I really feel like fuck right now.
I'm beyond disappointed at myself.
But I know there's no one to bring me up again.
There's no one to cheer me on.
There's no one to tell me "don't be disheartened, try again"
There's no one to tell me "give yourself a chance"
There's no one to tell me "fix right what you have done wrong"
There's no one to tell me anything, but me.
But I can't.
I hate myself so much I can't stop being disappointed.
Guess I'll just have to stand up again after crying about it.
Well, life has to go on.
Whatever the kind of life it is,
whatever the kind of life I give myself.
Somehow today, I don't feel better even after shouting out here.
Maybe it's because I have finally come to realise this is as much as I can be.
