Why am i getting so affected.
Why am I typing all my thoughts down here.
The thoughts that fuck my life up
The thoughts that show who i really am.
Why do i even think.
Sometimes i really wish i was an idiot.
There's always a bright and dark side to everything.
There's always a choice of which side to see to everything.
There's always a rational side to every choice,
And there's always an irrational side to everything.
Rationally, thinking of all this shit isnt gonna make any changes to anything.
Irrationally, im an emotional being and hence it's normal to be emotional.
Rationally, everything's fine.
Emotionally, everything's not.
Why?
why does it even bother me?
I've never thought of things this way.
I've always been the one canceling appointments.
But after having just one appointment cancelled on me,
I actually feel like my efforts to make the day free are worthless.
An appointment to keep the day free is worth nothing if it can be canceled that easily.
BUT
I already know it's not an easy decision to have been made.
BUT
The decision was already made. The fact that it was made so quickly without my knowing means something.
Fuck.
Here i go again.
All these repetitive contradicting thoughts.
I actually think that i put in so much effort to keep the day free but it was all so easily turned into nothing.
Oh wait
Sounds familiar?
Fuck yea.
Of course.
That was exactly what i was told.
Now i think like you.
is that what you wanted?
Frustration.
Nothing i say means anything.
None of my decisions matter.
None of my words do.
None of my actions do.
What the fuck to i do then?
What's the point in saying or deciding anything if none of them matters.
I might as well be a fuckin puppet.
Fuck.
All these angst.
I wanted to keep them in.
I chose to convince myself these arent my thoughts.
I shouldnt think that way.
But fuck.
Keeping all these in me makes me go insane.
Like really.
It drives me fucking insane.
In the end i had to throw it out here. I the end it all came out.
Though not all of it.
It's not right.
But i did it.
Whats right and what should not be kept within.
Again im at the same cross road.
Fuck i dont even know what im saying anymore.
Fuck me.
