back again to where i shout and no one hears. i think.new year, new hope, new troubles, mixed feelings, flying off to hell, oh wtf. so many things on my mind but still i nv fail to amaze myself at the stupid things i can do even though i know i shouldnt do it. going brunei tmr. great! last exercise of my 2-year service man. damn! am i gonna miss this life? im going to stay out in the field for 3 days with someone i have problems looking him in his eye. and he's my boss. im going to shag myself out in front of the ppl whom i dont even know respect me or detest me or whatever because i did not spend much time with them. the unable or dont want question always haunts my mind. friends. what are they? aquaintance? colleague? mix or dun mix? looking back i have not done much in my 2 years as a commander or instructor or good for nothing spec compared to what a man could have done in his 2 years. only yog was memorable? i cant think of anything else besides having my nsf offs taken away and having to go back on leaves.spent my days at home dreaming, sleeping, wasting life away, and somehow spending away loads of money while doing that.end of the 2 years im left with shit. how did i do that? i dont know. somehow i can just spend everything knowing i would have nothing left on things i dun even need. ord den do what? work? for my expenses for the next 3 years? yupp if i could do that in 6 months before school starts i would've been the richest man on earth. and working for 6 months = closing myself off from my social world. sometimes i wonder just wtf have i done and wtf im doing, but in the end i always give myself the same answer. heck it i'll think when the time comes that i need to. now is the time. and now is the time i realised im in fking shit trouble.no foresight? didnt plan? it just goes to show my mental strength and how determined i am in creating my own future. sad? angry?happy?satisfaction? a moment of satisfaction for a month of needed expenses. is it worth it? no wrong question. go for it? fk the future. yes somehow i do that all the time. all this self talk is killing me. it's like telling myself to fk myself. something wrong wif me? or something wrong with this world? somehow i think living in the past would have been better. no handphones computers. just letters and face to face talking. spend money only when needed to. no need to stay at home on the computer to chat, or sms, instead meet the person face to face and talk it out. extreme thinking? from something small to something big? what defines extreme? friends who imply and infer so differently from me, is it cuz he chooses to think that way? friends, what defines friend? and why the hell am i even thinking of all these. to cooped up at home nothing to do? thinking too much? does a normal person even think this much? fk la.